Live to Train Wreck

This episode is a a disaster. Only listen if you’re into self-sabotage, deep despair, and uncomfortable jokes.

Here’s some key points:

Depression. Failure. World of Warcraft. Darkness. Meaninglessness. Olive Garden. Not achieving your goals. Or dreams. Realizing you’re talentless. Penis homes. Despondency. Sorrow. Bleakness. 9/11. War. Revenge. Calling it quits on life and what not.

Music courtesy of Emperor X

Run Time: 1 hour 38 minutes

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Episode 14

The recent earthquake in the Bay Area has Tanner thinking about earthquake kits and surviving the apocalypse. Chris is wondering why he avoided catching up with former classmates he hadn’t seen for over a decade. A man was flattened after 400 gallons were dumped on his dumb, dumb head as part of the Ice Bucket Challenge. A Denny’s opened in NYC and it’s serving a $300 meal with a bottle of champagne to people equally as dumb as the Ice Bucket Challenge guy. A shocking amount of women can’t identify a vagina on a medical diagram. Some evil kid – certain to be the next Chucky – tried to kill a guy working outside his eighth floor apartment by cutting his safety ropes because the guy was making too much noise. Chris and Tanner debate the world’s greatest cuisines. Tanner debuts a new version of the game Love/Hate called Split Decision that forces Chris to quickly make and explain some hard choices between two very similar things.

Music courtesy of Emperor X, DJ Snake, Vanilla Ice

Run Time: 1 hour 20 minutes

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Episode 13

Tanner gives an update on the ICE saga. In short, he’s a moron. Chris is back from Europe and he’s here to say something profound: Europe is Europe. Chris was quizzed about Canadian gun laws at the border while Tanner was given the third degree about his job. Arby’s has a new off-the-menu sandwich called the Meat Mountain, and it’s exactly what you think it is. Chris reports on what the local news in Ferguson, MO is concerned with – breastfeeding. Chris and Tanner go down a dark, dark path thinking about the possibility – however abhorrent and remote – that a woman, at some point in history, has been, ahem, ‘excited’ by a baby during breastfeeding. Chris and Tanner play a game of Chart Toppers focused on the biggest movies and singles of this week in the years 1988-90, and finish up the show wondering where the Barbarian Twins are and what their own celebrity monikers would be.

Music courtesy of Emperor X

Run Time: 1 hour 4 minutes

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Totally Tanner: Volume 4

Tanner’s mind is running wild about a curious name he saw on a coworker’s phone. The book-selling/soul cleansing continues which means Tanner is at the post office a lot and he’s beginning to see some absurdist beauty in his local postal workers’ geological-time-like slowness. Tanner almost died twice last week: once at the hands of a car and another a bowel obstruction, but he also became Twitter famous for a day or two. Finally, he reads a TOO HOT FOR ITUNES review of Live to Tape Show’s sister podcast.

Music courtesy of Miami Nights 1984, Mitch Murder, Vanilla Ice, Killer Mike, and Gil Mantera’s Party Dream

Run Time: 52 minutes

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Chris' Parents Episode 3: Fashion

The third entry in the mini-series documenting Chris’s quirky parents. In this episode, Dr. Tanner, intrepid enthnographer, and Chris, subject matter expert, focus on fashion and find out that Chris’ parents: love the basics, demand on “clomping” shoes before they’re brought in the house, always opt for simplicity, harbor jealousies about each other, believe that being in the military is the only way to be a “real man,” feel out-classed at certain high-end malls, and mandate haircuts for their children. We also discuss 90s fashion and candy, school uniforms, and choosing haircuts of a poster on barber’s wall.

Music courtesy of Emperor X.

Run Time: 1 hour

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Episode 12

Welcome to the Yuck Factory everyone – your number one source for goofs, gaffs, chuckles, and laughs. Chris went to the bar and made fast friends…again. Tanner marvels at Chris’ desire to talk to strangers, and Chris was punished by the great lord above by having to look at a random woman’s vagina pics for it. Meanwhile, Tanner spent the weekend in Skyrim. Two dicks kicked a squirrel off the Grand Canyon and Chris and Tanner are horrified but also try to understand their uncomfortable laughter when reading the story. Tanner can’t believe no one is talking about Obama admitting that the US tortured people in the wake of 9/11 and thinks it exposes the myths of democracy. Yeah, so this is a comedy show? The show ends with the return of Chris and Tanner’s favorite game Chart Toppers. This time they must guess the top music singles and movies at the box office this weekend in 1985-87.

Music courtesy of Emperor X and Jeremy Soule with some Back to the Future soundtrack and Peter Cetera karaoke for good measure

Run Time: 1 hour 10 minutes

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Episode 11

The show begins with come controversy as listeners weigh in on Episode 10’s discussion of how much to spend on gifts for significant others. Chris aw the greatest movie ever made – Bottle Rocket – at the place it was filmed in Hillsboro, TX as part of an annual fan gathering called The Lovely Soiree and wonders if he’s still a Wes Anderson “fan." Tanner has been having dreams for as long as he can remember about an arcade, and it got to the point where he started to believe it was a real place. You know, like morons do. A woman had a sex toy in her vagina for a decade. Chris once again steps up to the plate in a game of Bigotry Baseball which challenges him with the depressingly easy task of finding YouTube videos with bigoted comments.

Music courtesy of Emperor X and Ice Cube

Run Time: 49 minutes

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Episode 10

Chris had a birthday recently and had to eat burgers scorched to his mom’s specifications. Tanner has anxiety about buying the first gift of his new relationship. Tanner announces a new challenger in the Jeff Goldblum movie competition. Ken Ham, colossal moron, says we shouldn’t search for aliens because they’re damned to hell. Farts are the new cure for everything. A pilot accidentally dropped thousands of ping pong balls on a highway. And Chris puts Tanner in the hot seat for the second edition of Love/Hate – a game of black and white split decisions on arbitrary topics. 

Music courtesy of Emperor X and Ludacris

Run Time: 1 hour 17 minutes

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Episode 9

Tanner issues a challenge to all amateur sleuths out there to figure out the Jeff Goldblum movie involved in his ascent to manhood. Chris went full hermit for awhile and is surprisingly sad about the death of Doink the Clown of WWF fame. Tanner saw The Goonies even though he was annoyed that his girlfriend was late. How? He now has amazing new relationship and conflict resolution skills thanks to watching MTV’s Teen Mom. A woman left her contacts in too long and an amoeba burrowed into her eye. An older guy soiled himself while waiting on the tarmac for a flight form Philadelphia to SF and refused to get off the plane. Chris and Tanner try to determine who is the most nostalgic man in America in the second edition of Nostalgia Duel – warning this one gets a little dark.

Music courtesy of Emperor X

Run Time: 1 hour 22 minutes

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Totally Tanner: Volume 3

Tanner assures you he’s not being condescending about low American culture because HE ATE A FILET O’ FISH. He also met Levar Burton and, strangely enough, is finally deciding to let go of his books and a part of himself. Summer doesn’t mean the same thing anymore, and Tanner remembers a childhood friend Bobby who claimed to be a woodland expert, black belt, and juggling a girlfriend in Myrtle Beach – all while being 10 years old. Most importantly, Bobby showed Tanner the ways of the world. Finally, Tanner can’t stop thinking about the possibility of alien life, more specifically the Fermi Paradox and a biologist’s rebuttal to claims that we should’ve encountered alien life already.

Music courtesy of Lazerhawk, Miami Nights 1984, Mitch Murder, and Gil Mantera’s Party Dream

Run Time: 42 minutes

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Episode 8

Tanner brings back a fashion report from The American South from capri pants to “action sandals.” He also got hit on outside a bathroom by a woman that looked like a Real Housewives cast member. Chris went to the DMV and loves old people who dress up to do mundane things. Tanner and Chris’ friends from the Extra Secret Podcast asked on Twitter about the origins of the “good sized bowl” that Chris’ mom requests her water-destined lemon wedges to be placed in, and Chris gives some clarification. In the news, Monty Python is reuniting but it sounds disappointing. Chris also offers his history of sketch comedy. China has created a sperm extraction machine for guys having trouble coming up (get it?) with a sample. Chris debuts his new game Rank and File and challenges Tanner to rank 12 of the biggest action stars of the 80s and 90s in terms of the cumulative toughness of their characters.

Music courtesy of Emperor X

Run Time: 1 hour 13 minutes

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Chris's Parents Episode 2: Food

The second entry in the mini-series documenting Chris’s quirky parents. This episode focuses on food. Once again Dr. Tanner takes on the role of half anthropologist, half psychologist, and all schadenfredue-ist as he digs deep through Chris’s memories and first-hand observations of two of the whitest and most mundanely interesting people to have ever lived. We learn that Red Lobster biscuits are too spicy, water requires wedges of lemons in a “good-sized bowl,” you can eat salad without dressing and pizza without sauce, you’ve gotta call and place your Panera bread order, and that humans only need three different types of casseroles to survive.

Music courtesy of Emperor X.

Run Time: 1 hour 16 minutes

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Photo Credit: Juliana Walters

Episode 7

Tanner is creeped out by kids’ emotionless machine learning of language. He’s also CUP CRAZY – the World Cup, that is. Chris thinks back on fatherly wisdom or the lack thereof. A rich asshole ate nearly ten percent of China’s tiger population and Chris and Tanner fantasize about murdering him with a battle cat. A man drove cross-country with his dead girlfriend and 91 year old mother. Tanner brings back Listless and reads the top ten weirdest magazines. Chris and Tanner go head-to-head again in a follow-up to Episode 6’s first ever Chart Toppers battle, testing each other’s 90s music and movie knowledge.

Music courtesy of Emperor X and Mariah Carey.

Run Time: 1 hour 15 minutes

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Totally Tanner: Volume 2

Tanner watched Firefly and thought about how he and Nathan Fillion were dying. He proposes that the true sign of a good date is if you stare into the void and both think the date was a disaster afterward. He went to E3 and had a bad AirBnB experience that forced him to take a sponge bath. E3 recreates high school and the press conferences are full of fanboys. And while Microsoft put on the better show at E3, he thinks Sony had the better stuff. Strangest of all: Nintendo has a killer 2015 ahead.

Music courtesy of Miami Nights 1984 and Boards of Canada

Run Time: 41 minutes

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Episode 6

Chris got a speeding ticket and wonders if he’s now been suckered into some scheme by the city of Detroit to torture him for all eternity. Tanner wonders if Chris was going so fast he traveled in time. Chris is also prepping for his upcoming European trip by watching videos of gypsies thieving and plane crashes. Tanner enjoys how student debt removes any joy of getting a raise by adjusting and keeping him in a life of financial precarity.There was a conference for alien abductees and Chris and Tanner ponder the peculiar mindset of someone who believes they’ve been visited by aliens. Burger King is changing its slogan after 40 years and it’s a good example of the hellscape of 21st century life. The show closes with a brand new game called Chart Toppers where Chris and Tanner must guess the biggest hit movies and songs of the early 90s.

Music courtesy of Emperor X and Silk.

Photo credit Alicia Holder

Run Time: 1 hour 11 minutes

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Totally Tanner: Volume 1

Introducing a new ongoing mini-series where Tanner sits down and raps atcha off the dome. What’s on his mind? First and foremost, his replica “Beat It” jacket that he wore as a child. He’s also full of regret, wonders what being a “creative” means, and if he’s consistently made the wrong choices when it comes to what to do with his life. Finally, he defends Los Angeles as the best city in the US.

Music courtesy of Emperor X, Mitch Murder, and Gil Mantera’s Party Dream.

Run Time: 32 minutes

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Episode 5

CHRIS GET OVER IT TANNER NEVER SAW KRIPPENDORF’S TRIBE IN THE THEATER!!!!!

But he did see Beaches…

And, because he’s lost his mind, Chris thinks China Beach is a Beaches spin off. Tanner can’t stop thinking about Under the Skin, Jonathan Glazer’s new film starring Scarlett Johansson. Why? Well, he thinks it’s a rare example of intelligent engagement with women and sexuality, and he also thinks it’ll be unbearable for most viewers. Chris rediscovers comfort in being alone. A man sues for more money than exists on the planet. Silly, right? But what if he wins? Red Lobster and Olive Garden, two beloved American institutions, are threatened by fast casual dining. And closing the show: Chris steps up to the plate to play Tanner’s new game – Bigotry Baseball – which takes aim at offensive YouTube comments.

Music courtesy of Emperor X.

Run Time: 1 hour 4 minutes

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Episode 4

Tanner has a theory that all 90s songs, albums, and artists can also double as pet names for genitalia. Think about. Chris is depressed because he’s not feeling well and resents you, yes you, for your happiness. Tanner dreads work potlucks and wonders if others get the same anxiety over them that he does. Dracula’s castle is up for sale and a Satanic mass was schedule to be held at Harvard. Jonathan Fleming was in prison for 25 years and just found not guilty. The justice system and death penalty are bullshit and racist. 1989 –  the year Fleming went to prison – might just have been one of the most pivotal years in history, and the indisputable best year for TV debuts ever. EDITOR’S NOTE: Tanner forgot to mention that SEINFELD also debuted in 1989. Chris closes out the show with a follow-up to his IM conversation from episode 1. In this conversation, he embarks on an ill advised conversation with “Emily” – the person he’d recently broken up with. As usual, one person is still in love and the other has clearly moved on. But which one is Chris? 

Music courtesy of Calloway and Emperor X.

Run Time: 1 hours 22 minutes

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Chris's Parents Episode 1: Ritual

As far as Tanner is concerned, there are few people as entertaining, perplexing, and fascinating as Chris’s parents – two of the most stubborn, habitual, bonded, and isolated people in the country. They’re like a time capsule of conservative, midwestern, white baby boomer culture. So what’s the next best thing to talking to them? Asking Chris to tell him every little detail of their lives and his experiences growing up with them.

This is the first episode in a new mini-series – cleverly titled “Chris’s Parents” – where Dr. Tanner embarks on his groundbreaking ethnography with Chris serving as embedded reporter. Each episode will be themed and this episode’s theme is ritual. And get ready – there’s a few big revelations about Chris’s life that are equally shocking, saddening, and hilarious.

Music courtesy of Emperor X.

Run Time: 1 hour 14 minutes

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Episode 3

Chris gave his latest squeeze his letterman’s jacket so you know what that means – time to meet the parents. Tanner wonders why he has no friends and his social life is in ruins. Is it him? Graduate school? Masculinity? Old people at CVS are a whole different breed. Easter is the worst holiday next to Columbus Day. It’s tornado season. What countries and states are plagued by the most ‘nados? We have your answer. We also think about how a young, fake-Reebok-Pump-wearing Chris would’ve coped with a tornado. The final segment debuts a brand new game that exposes just how astoundingly, disturbingly, pathologically nostalgic Chris and Tanner are as they face off seeing if there’s any word in the dictionary they can’t nostalgize.

Music courtesy of Emperor X and Tom Cochrane.

Run Time: 1 hour 20 minutes

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